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Just Getting Started

Detail from "The Becoming"

Hello everyone and thank you for visiting my page and for reading my flagship blog post, at least for this iteration of my artist site. (I blogged from 2009-12 weekly on my original site.) 

I don’t know if you’ve read my Bio, or have looked around at all, but I’m an Artist. 🙂 I didn’t grow up in a household of creatives. In fact, quite the opposite, I grew up with a bunch of Mensans. Look it up. I was raised in a family of people who *love* their brains and how smart they are. We regularly attended Mensa socials where I got to hang out with *uber* nerds – really, for far too many years of my life. I’m smart, don’t get me wrong, but I never identified with my intelligence, I could’ve cared less. I was an artist born into a family of brainiacs and didn’t fit in. At all. And it’s taken me *years* and waves of growth to understand who I really am.

{Present day} I’m divorced and my triplets just turned 14. (G,G,B -They were a surprise, *spontaneous* they call them and no I don’t mind if you ask.) I live in a teeny-tiny 2 bedroom apartment in a town just as small. It’s never where I imagined I would be in life, but life often has a way of presenting itself to us in a form different that we’d like. I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to understand who I am, to figure out what my truth is and to release unwanted and unhealthy patterns of conditioning and judgement. And clarity comes in waves, in chunks perhaps, with never ending opportunities to see and learn about myself.

As a result of growing up in an environment very out-of-alignment with who I am and due to not ever actually being ‘seen’ by those around me, I developed a warped sense of myself and of what I was supposed to be doing in the world. I was taught to keep quiet and be a worker bee, I learned, basically – that ‘life sucks and then you die’. It was a rather depressing prognosis and so painfully wrong for me.

I always wanted to be an artist, from as young as 7 or 8. Regardless of my lack of perspective or support, the art within me turned out to be stronger than my conditioning and has driven my career: architecture school, waitressing, graphic design (both full-time & freelance), more waitressing – married, triplets – Art, personal style, more graphic design, and now back to my Art. I’ve worked for myself or for non-9-5 jobs more than I’ve worked the regular circuit. Being a creative, not a born-businesswoman (altho I’ve learned a ton at this point), I’ve just barely gotten by for most of my life. I’ve judged myself brutally for not being more *functional* and for not being able to work a 9-5 and keep my head down and to bring home a regular paycheck for any length of time. I have judged myself so deeply for this for as long as I can remember. It’s not been fun I tell you.

So, yes, divorced with kids, no alimony, broke as ever, and it’s time to paint again. I need to make my art and put it out there in the world. Just last week where I got clear that I was not to pursue my graphic design work for now, but to take a regular side job and put the bulk of my efforts on painting and promoting my work. Ah, the judgement and fear really kicked in once I got to this place and I have to say that it owned me for a while. It’s a scary thing bucking the system and finding one’s own way. And even though I was doing this already, had been doing this my whole life – the judgement had maintained a major role in my inner landscape. A good friend of mine said to me in the midst of my struggle, “we all have a path, and even when we are on it sometimes we fail to see the path.” I have been on my path the whole time but had failed to acknowledge it fully. It’s like I was looking way over my shoulder to the left instead of facing straight ahead of me and accepting the challenges and struggles of who *I am* and what I’m meant to do and be in this world. Some part of me had been wanting something different, wanting to be what I thought I should be.

Then I spent some time with my new friend Irene from Omolewa Cosmetics. Turns out that she’s *just like me*. She’s far happier and more functional as a human being pursuing her own creative pursuits than strapped to a desk trying to fulfill someone else’s dream. She’s dynamic inside and needs her life to reflect that. And while I’m sure that I’ve been around people like her before, I’d never had a conversation with anyone about this paradigm. It led me to great revelation and to plenty of relief.

It led me to ACCEPTANCE. To accepting that I am an incredibly creative, dynamic individual who needs to define life on her own terms. That I’m better and healthier this way. That no one can say who I am or what I should be. I’m *big* inside and I am *very* much my own being. If I even compare myself a little bit to another person’s life or way of being, it’s really painful for me. After talking with Irene, and after experiencing some grief over living my life under the shadow of the belief that something was wrong with me, it led me to the doorway of where I find myself today. Standing, alone, facing the future, as an artist with no where to go but forward. This is my path, one step at a time. I have to be Me. And I put my head down and surrender to taking the hand of My Creator and to follow where I am led. Enough of the judgement. Enough. I’m sure I’ll encounter more fear on my way, but as you know, courage doesn’t exist without fear.

In some ways I feel that I have already arrived even though I’m just getting started. Thank you everyone for listening and welcome to my world. <3

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